Sometimes when you look at yourself

 On introspection I do find a habit or temptation in me, whatever you call it, I do read various theories, thoughts, schools and ideologies with avid and deep interest. But the 'renegade' in me is always there, clever enough to slip out when the syllabus is over. Then who is to blame when I begin to feel that life is sometimes boring. All systems are laid up with patches and no-answer-spots. Just to go through and analyze and sift, how long can it go like this? But who cares? I like this rather than getting stuck up anywhere. But the hard thing is you end up a loner in the long of the journey. Sometimes when you get company, of course, you may be getting interested with no binding. But the eternal companion is to be content in loneliness. As if this is not enough, the question of reason vs faith has been always intriguing me and the altercation does not end even when I make it reason 'and' faith. But no regrets and never complaining, I like this tussle.

Sometimes what others tell about you may prove convenient and you may be all the more wise to just let it go. Some years back when I was deep into the studies of Sri Vaishnavism as part of my personal interests, I used to hear one stanza from SriSri Manavala Mamunigal often mentioned as some kind of a dig at me or perhaps I imagined so. Once when that stanza which talks about astika, nastika, astika-nastika, I was stealing their show by openly saying that that stanza very beautifully explains me. People who were quoting the said stanza were nonplussed and explained why they were quoting that stanza in that context. Only then I understood the full import of that stanza and Periya Jeeyar was referring to people who were astikas yet not convinced about the unique and singular way of Prapatthi, by the term astika-nastika. Of course it tallys with another Word or Saying anthologized in Varthamalai, viz., one can be a nastik or a prapanna; no interim stage is possible. Let it rest. It is a theological nuance of Sri Vaishnavaite path. But for our reference it does serve well to denote people who are interested in religious ideas and never subscribe to any path as commitment. And any well-meaning person will not like to show oneself as what one is not. And also every time you cannot be floating disclaimers about yourself and sometimes what others tell of you may prove handy, just to let it go at that. Just casual recaps over the tea. Is there a word like 'tea-teller'?

Srirangam Mohanarangan

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